I grew up with dysfunction. I work at a place where I help and refer people daily because I know how to do that.
But the last thing I’ve ever taken time to do is find out how to make myself okay, and I worry I’ll never be. I sound melodramatic and dumb, but that’s okay, I clearly am. Depression is not fun. Familial abuse is not a joke, mentally, physically, emotionally, will never be a joke or some delusion. I’ve been nothing but berated my entire life because I can’t live up to “par”. And I’m a fool for trying, maybe I’m a fool for succumbing to my abuse, but I don’t know any better. I’ve never had a single person in my life say sincerely it will be okay and I can work through it.
I am the shoulder.
The only solace I’ve ever found is from the people I’ve met here. And what I wouldn’t give to have you all physically in my life.
But I’m not strong. I don’t know who I’m trying to fool. I’m a piece of shit who deserves nothing. I meander around like I have a purpose when then only thing I do is wallow in how much I hate myself. I do my job with passion, because the clients deserve that. I keep my friendships because they deserve the love and I want to give that. But I don’t deserve it from myself and for that I know I won’t be around long.
I love so hard, and so many things and yet I can’t see the beauty in my own existence. It’s fucked up but I can’t make myself see. Maybe one day, but I won’t live to see it.
I want to harm so bad. But I also know I have to be a part of society that doesn’t look well upon that. And the only place that gives me any kind of satisfaction is my arm. And until it gets cooler, that won’t work. I get very toasty during the summer and it’d be obvious I was nearly a puddle if I’m wearing a hoodie. Just a little more time and I can slice away. I can’t wait.
It’s funny cause at the same time I haven’t smiled so much, thanks to a tumblr user, but I feel like I have to be punished for that
And I I’ll be. Soon.
: Well here is some context dick head. Stop defending Mike Brown and attacking the police. The police don't need attacked because that "kid" already did that. He is a straight up thug who could have potentially killed a police officer because he was trying to steal his gun. Now before you go off on a social justice rant, please redirect your dumbass over to the video on my blog of Mike Brown stealing cigars and throwing the clerk into a wall. Have a great day
Uhm. Wow. Where do I even start?
Let’s begin by saying that you have a lot more research to do before you can even THINK about using that excuse to justify your thinly-veiled racist mindset. Your anger at me is proof enough that you have no idea what’s actually going on. So let me bring you up to speed:
Ferguson police chief publicly announces that Mike Brown shooting not related to supposed robbery. The officer who shot Brown, Darren Wilson, didn’t even know that Brown was a suspect in that case. He shot Brown when he and a friend refused to move out of the street, because apparently, their presence there was “blocking traffic.”
So the convenience store thing is a really absurd fucking argument. Even the Missouri Governor states Ferguson PD released video with intentions to besmirch Mike Brown.
This should go without saying, but vaguely intimidating photos of you do not give the police carte blanche to gun you down, and we no longer live in a country where it is OK to sentence black men to death for the crime of petty theft.
Many people don’t even believe that it was Mike Brown in the video footage released by the Ferguson PD, and, in an official statement released by the clerk of the store in question, none of their employees even dialed 911 on the suspect. They didn’t feel threatened enough by the person in the footage to even call the cops.
Furthermore, in a court of law, even if it were proven beyond a shadow of a doubt that Mike Brown was the suspect in the convenience story footage, the footage could not, under any circumstance, be used as any means of justification for killing him.
“If this police officer were on trial, let’s say for homicide, he would not be able to bring in evidence of what happened in the store and try to assail Michael Brown’s character and suggest he acted a certain way during the encounter,” said Ezekiel Edwards, director of the criminal law reform project at the American Civil Liberties Union. “Whether it was shoplifting, whether he pushed the store clerk, whatever, they shouldn’t be able to bring that in to bolster their defense.”
I can go on and on and on.
But the important part here is that you apparently think that petty theft and shoving someone justifies a cop pumping 7 rounds into them as they flee, unarmed. Imagine if that’s how law enforcement reacted every time someone committed a petty crime. Police would be slaughtering thousands of people in the street on any given day, and you, apparently, would feel perfectly okay with that.
"I’m so fucking sick of saying I’m sorry when I’m the one collapsed on the ground."